![]() ![]() He’s attacked by a nomad on a jetbike and after Dogen (which rhymes with Jojen) shoots it down, he finds a strange translucent crystal. The story takes place on another planet–a desert one that looks suspiciously like those rocks from every movie and TV show ever–where a “finder” named Dogen (Jeffrey Byron) is driving around in a strange psychically-linked vehicle. ![]() I mean, of all the movies to carry a Universal tag, this has to be one of the least Universal. He managed to sell the movie mid-filming at Cannes to get enough money to continue filming, and then by chance was able to piggyback on the release of Universal’s Jaws 3-D and was shown in 2,000 theaters at the end of the summer 1983. The story goes that producer-director Charles Band, who is the producer behind Full Moon Features and such “beloved” titles as The Puppet Master, Dollman, and Demonic Toys, made a low-budget 3D horror feature Parasite and that was a big enough success that he got a bit more daring, wanting to make a sci-fi epic in 3D on a small budget, from a script by Alan J. At all! I thought I knew all the Mad Max pastiches from that time, including Exterminators of the Year 3000, but oh how wrong I was. I’m not going to pretend to know everything about every single crappy B-movie made between 19 or anything, but I’ve at least got some kind of awareness of a great many such dubious classics not only hadI never seen Metalstorm prior to receiving it from the good folks at Scream Factory (coming out September 13 on two-disc Blu-ray with both 3D and 2D versions), but I’d never even heard of it. And then sometimes, friends–OH MAN–I get sent a movie that makes me remember why I do Schlock & Awe in the first place: A 1983, shot-in-3D, budget-of-nothing The Road Warrior ripoff with added lasers and spaceships called Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. I’m a busy person, same as most of you, and sometimes–especially after three years of writing this column every week–delving back into my archives of things I haven’t written about yet gets pretty dang difficult. ![]() You Killed My Father: Dhyana wants revenge on both Baal and Jared-Syn for her father's death.You guys, I’m not gonna lie to you: sometimes I run out of weird cult movies to talk about.Sean Connery Is About to Shoot You: In one scene, a character fires his weapon at the camera, causing blue light to almost fill the screen for a moment.Sand Worm: Deep in Nomad territory, Dogen and Rhodes are attacked by a sand-swimming snake that almost drags Rhodes underground before Dogen shoots it.Rubber-Forehead Aliens: The Nomads have skin growing over their right eye sockets.The red crystals are emptied into a giant white crystal at Jared-Syn's lair, which he believes will give him the power to conquer Lemuria once it's reached full power. Power Crystal: Jared-Syn hands each of his followers a red crystal, which they can use to kill people and collect their life force.He escapes through a portal in an obvious Sequel Hook that was never followed up. Never Trust a Title: Jared-Syn is not destroyed.My Nayme Is: "Dhyana" is pronounced "Diana.".Kirk's Rock: Jared-Syn's hideout is located near the rocks.In fact, he's just using them as footsoldiers, and plans to enslave them all once he takes over Lemuria. False Prophet: Jared-Syn tells the Nomads he'll help them get their land back.Probably the best example is the vehicle that rolls down an incline and has just about come to a stop at the bottom when it suddenly explodes. Every Car Is a Pinto: The tank-like vehicles driven on Lemuria tend to explode into huge fireballs when damaged.Energy Weapon: Guns fire pulses of colored light, which usually set their targets on fire.Chroma Key: Used to insert flying machines above the landscape.Arm Cannon: Baal's left arm is a retractable robotic claw that shoots green acid.Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn contains examples of: Dogen searches for Jared-Syn's lair with the help of washed-up soldier Rhodes (Tim Thomerson). David Smith), but Dhyana is soon kidnapped and taken to Jared-Syn's lair. He teams up with Dhyana ( Kelly Preston), the daughter of a miner murdered by Jared-Syn's Cyborg son Baal (R. The human ranger Dogen (Jeffrey Byron) follows him to Lemuria in order to defeat him. On the planet Lemuria, intergalactic criminal Jared-Syn (Michael Preston) has become the leader of a tribe of humanoids called Nomads, who are determined to drive humans from their ancestral lands. Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is a 1983 science fiction movie filmed in 3D, directed by Charles Band, produced by Charles and Albert Band and Alan J. ![]()
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